Meeting people on the Internet allows easy approaches, break the barriers of shyness and have multiple flirts going on. However, there is always a risk tied to these, Many of us already had horrible surprises : fake pictures, can’t hold a conversation, horrible attitude, perverse ; every time this happens, the only thing you think about is how you’re going to get out of here : Here is my top 5..

Most of us know what the Milf fantasy is, it usually comes up in your teens, with the mother of a friend or your geography teacher and her intriguingly short skirts. Muriel is a beautiful woman, perfect even, on her profile she exhibits her green eyes, nice long hair and endless tanned legs, amazing smile of a 33 years old mother. The only annoying thing : her 8 years old daughter. I rush for the first date.

When I get there, I can’t find her, the reason why is probably because she lied by 16 years, 16 years in which her pretty face turned into what could have been a chef d’oeuvre of Picasso. lifting over lifting, her skin looked horrible ! Because I’m a nice guy, I say nothing and buy her a drink. The lights of the bar were spot on her sagging cheeks making her look like a bulldog. Her breast was very comparable to a pair of mitts and when she stands up to go to the toilets, I can see her flabby belly popping out of her top. I can clearly see what her baby went through. Obviously, it was not her real picture. I could run away while she is using the bathroom but I kind of feel like dealing with this situation like a man. That was without counting on her switching table and cornering me between her and the table. I feel like I’m dating Moby Dick.

20 minutes later after a horribly long interrogatory about my private life my only focus is on finding a way out of this situation. When we finally leave the bar, I try to take a different way out than her but she then catches my arm and says "tonight I’m kidnapping you”. I panicked, how to say there was absolutely no way I would end up with her tonight ? Did I have to be rude ? Or just tell her the inevitable truth ? None of these solutions was to my advantage. "What the fuck am I doing here ?”

This was my first internet dating horror story, I didn’t "hunt” online for over 5 month after this.

All of us dreamed of it. Internet did it : a nympho, a real one. Ok, clearly it’s not as easy as your favorite porn movie : you have to handle the rhythmic, stop smoking, exercise and be ready at any time but it’s so much fun anyway. The initial encounter sounded really interesting. She refused to see me until this 2am call to ask me if I could come to her place. A few month go by, filled with passion. It’s hot, wet, sometimes violent. I deal with her sexual weirdness : punches in the face to earn respect, orders in bed, insults. I refuse to hit her back but it doesn’t prevent both of us from going through an intense and sincere experience..

So I think. By the end of the summer, I make the huge mistake of taking 1 week of holidays on the sea shore… without her but with my friends… Surfing, beer, clubbing were the main components of this trip. And here, right here, a huge female wrath hits me right in the face, she has doubts about me not cheating on her and she starts a daily harassment. After a point where she calls me 10 times per day I tell her stop, I get back to town and we meet up. She apologies and confesses that she loves me. She also tells me that she cheated on me while I was gone but to her it didn’t count. As I don’t really know what to think, I step back for a second and try to understand what is happening. She then turns to me and admits she was just acting for the past 6 month. Since the begining, she wanted more presence, feelings, more shared moments… She faked the feelings and did she fake sexually too ? I have no idea.

Just like famous actors that take inspiration from their traumas (and when they have no past traumas they make them up). Mix that up with dialogues from a bad film in the 90′s and you get close to what this girl I met on the internet seemed like. She was quite lyrical and unreal but this was all charming. but very soon it turns retarded : a relationship is not a Disney movie. A night, after we had sex, she said these words that have now become a classic quote when I joke around with my friends "I don’t act, I am. But I am not when I act, I’m transcending. It’s chemical, not physical”.

Later on I realize she does refer a lot to "Prince Charmings” and "Whole new worlds” along with other non sense Disney movie elements. Eventually I also realized she had no culture and mixed the French President Sarkozy with an american senator. Later on I decide I need to end this relationship. However, she simply does not agree. From this moment on, I started the longest break up ever in my whole life. It’s as if I gave a notice letter to my boss but he refused. It took me 3H in the street, in the subway repeating the same words 1H fighting in front of everyone, 30 days of daily phone calls and eventually a final 2H conversation over the phone where I really had to emphasize the words "end” "break up” "stupid” and "bad actress”… This was pretty hardcore but she would never hang up without these. One of my worst online dating horror stories.

Lara is 36 years old. She is petite and skiny, but she has an amazing face. She flirts with me on the internet for a week and her statements are rather crude. When she calls me, her voice is sensual and soft at the same time. She wants sex, nothing else. Single, I jump on the occasion and wait for her invitation, this happens on a random night around 2am. As I am self employed and 10 minutes from her place, I run to her place. First good surprise, she looks like her pictures, Second good surprise, she is friendly and nice to me in a sexy white night shirt. Third good surprise, I see the futon in the living room opened and the heater blasting, and a big blanket. There is just a slight issue, I see a pack of condoms largely opened in a plastic bag she uses as trash in the kitchen.

She adds that one of her friends just left. You can imagine how I feel right now.. But obviously, I didn’t come to play cards with her. Quickly, she becomes very dominant and asks me to take my t shirt off then my jeans. I find it hot that she gives me orders. I do it. "Maybe we could have a drink first ?” was I telling myself. She asks me to take my underwear off. "Maybe we could take the clothes off each other ?”, was I thinking. She tells me to lie down so that she can take care of me. "Maybe we could…” No. At this point, a man doesn’t think anymore and lets it go. I have to admit the foreplays were extremely hot, until she stops abruptly to grab a small box, opens it and takes a whip, handcuffs, a chain and collar out of it. Small panic strike. Very small panic strike…

- Have you ever slepts with a DS ? She asks…

- The car model ?

She doesn’t like my humor and replies abruptly

- A Dominant/Submissive !

Help !

As I work in the cinema industry, I meet a lot of actresses, I can not avoid them. However, I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s dangerous. But sometimes you just don’t think with your brain. 3 month of relationship have been enough to understand that Leila is a rather unstable person, she stacked   hypochondriac syndromes , a bipolar disorder, was a pathological liar and had a Princess Attitude. She woke up at 7am. I woke up at 2pm. But I still woke up to make her coffee, give her a kissand even take her to the train station with my car. After a rather hard week of work, I didn’t wake up every morning anymore and I started to feel a sentinental thunderstorm preparing.

If you were listening to her she would tell you there was no more effort, and that I didn’t realize the chance I had to date her. I try to be diplomatic but nothing seems to work. Then I decide to stop everything, as she is an actress, she indeed refuses the break up : it’s her decision, not mine. As she doesn’t want to understand I simply take off.

This wasn’t expecting the fact that during 2month, she was going to spy on me in the street, follow my sister and send me love letters. Here are a few samples of her literature :

Message N° 1 from Léïa :

I just wanted some news, know how you’re doing and if you are happy now. I hope to see you soon, Leila X.

No Answer

Message N° 2 from Léïa :

Did you think I forgot you ? I’ll get you bastard. Did you read this correctly ? You will be with me or nobody !

No Answer

Message N° 3 from Léïa :

Dear Charly, I would like you to know how much you counted for me, in my life, in my bed, in my flesh.

No Answer

Saturday – No Mail from Her : A sleeve without stamp in my mail box containing an ace of heart, an ace of spades, and cat hair. I throw everything in the trash.

Message N° 4 from Léïa :

I will get you. You and your familly. I will cut your throat goat face ! You’re done ! I’ll slay you shit face !

No Answer

Her love letters were usually longer and filled with explicit details but I guess apart from the police, nobody really wanted to read them…